I had anticipated four-hour erections, almost looked forward to them to tell you the truth. I expected cottonmouth, abdominal pain, dizziness, and temporary loss of hearing. I was even prepared for a sudden drop in blood-pressure and to temporarily see a blue-tinted world. But I didn’t get any of those documented potential side-effects of HERectivaction. What I experienced instead was utterly unforeseen, but diabolically deliberate.
I first saw the advertisement for HERectivaction in one of those internet pop-up ads while searching for the score of the previous night’s Cubs game. But when I clicked on the link to jump to the Scores page, I was instead presented with a small cigar-shaped ad that appeared in the middle of the screen. It said “Click HER” on it, which sparked all kinds of sexual and grammatical curiosities. When I did “Click HER,” that cigar shaped window slowly rose upward like a rocket being prepared for launch. At the same time, it was elongating until the “HER” eventually stretched out to read “HERectivaction.” I’d seen all I needed to see and placed my order right then and there.
#
I took my first dose on a Saturday and the symptoms began to present within hours. It started as I was flipping through the channels, searching for something to watch that required a ball, bikinis, or, ideally, both. I came across a show called Women Who Overcome, which sounded like a dirty movie I had seen once so I put the remote in standby mode – still in hand, but resting on the armrest of my lazy boy. Turns out, though, this version of Women Who Overcome wasn’t the least bit obscene. Quite the opposite in fact. It was a show about women who had accomplished great things despite all the obstacles standing in their way. I wouldn’t normally watch a show like this – unless, of course, the overcomer was, like, superhot – but something about the woman being profiled appealed to me. She was a young African-American woman from the south side of Chicago named Fonya who had raised her twin brothers after their mother had died. She worked three jobs to put the boys through college, and after they graduated and got jobs, they did the same for her. The show ended with a fade-to-black shot of the three siblings in a tearful embrace.
I sniffed, dabbed at the corners of my eyes with a tissue, picked up the phone and called my sister. “Michelle, it’s Ed. Remember that time when you…”
I know it probably sounded like a Bud Light commercial to her, but I actually meant it.
#
Things got even stranger the next day.
Alice spent the afternoon shopping and when she got home, I brought the groceries inside the house for her.
“I’ll get these,” I said. “You just go rest for a couple minutes. I know how exhausting shopping can be. Especially on a Sunday. Madhouse.”
She gave me a queer look and a peck on the cheek, but then went into the living room and sat down.
A little while later, as I put the last bag on the kitchen counter, I heard her call from the living room, “Ed, honey, did you…did you vacuum the living room?”
“Don’t be silly,” I replied. “I vacuumed the whole house.”
She came into the kitchen. “You did what? You vacuumed the whole house?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because it needed it.”
“Well, yes, but, it’s just that…well, you’ve never done that before.”
“Not a big deal, Alice. I also mopped the kitchen floor and dusted.”
“You du-”
“I know. Weird, right? I just, I don’t know. I just got to thinking how much work you do around here and I decided I could do more to help out. No big deal.”
Now, Alice has never really been one to initiate the romance, but something overcame her in that moment. She moved into me, pressed her body tightly against mine, and gave me a warm wet kiss. Then she grabbed my hand and said, “Come here, Mr. Clean. I’ve got something in the bedroom that I want to show you.”
I was completely caught off guard by her aggression. I mean, it was the middle of the day, the kids could be home any minute, and after all that cleaning I wasn’t feeling particularly attractive. Besides, the bedroom was in disarray and I wouldn’t be able to relax and enjoy myself.
She sensed my hesitation.
“Ed? What’s wrong? Aren’t you coming?”
“Honey, I’m just so tired.”
“Are you serious?”
“Oh, don’t take it the wrong way, Alice. All that cleaning has me feeling exhausted and, I don’t know, not so fresh.”
“Not so fre-,” she trailed off.
“Yeah, I really need a shower,” I said. And then, after seeing the dejected look on her face I added, “Well, maybe I could just lay there with you. Would that be okay – if we just laid there together?”
“You mean you want to…cuddle?”
“Sure, Honey. Let’s cuddle.”
#
After two weeks on HERectivaction, I finally caught on. It had been two weeks of talking about my feelings, asking for directions, and giving Alice the remote. Hell, I even found myself thinking about voting Democrat in the upcoming election. But then one morning I found myself in the fetal position on the bedroom floor crying because my mother-in-law’s cat had died and I realized that something was horribly wrong with me. I decided to do a little research on HERectivaction.
Turns out that the woman who had created HERectivaction was a former Army Ranger. A woman who at the age of 32 enrolled at Northwestern University after divorcing her third husband who -- like the first two -- had cheated on her. She majored in Chemistry and eventually went on to graduate school where she pursued her dream of finding a female-friendly treatment for erectile dysfunction – or at least her definition of erectile dysfunction. Her sincere passion to find a cure for ED eventually resulted in HERectivaction.
I stopped taking HERectivaction immediately and switched to one of the ED treatments I had seen advertised during Monday Night Football. I put a rush on the order and by the following Monday’s game I was back to my old self -- manly, horny, and at odds with my wife. With TV remote in hand and my buddy Woodrow back in town, I was confident I had made the right decision.
“Hey, Alice,” I yelled into the kitchen. “Beer me!”
I first saw the advertisement for HERectivaction in one of those internet pop-up ads while searching for the score of the previous night’s Cubs game. But when I clicked on the link to jump to the Scores page, I was instead presented with a small cigar-shaped ad that appeared in the middle of the screen. It said “Click HER” on it, which sparked all kinds of sexual and grammatical curiosities. When I did “Click HER,” that cigar shaped window slowly rose upward like a rocket being prepared for launch. At the same time, it was elongating until the “HER” eventually stretched out to read “HERectivaction.” I’d seen all I needed to see and placed my order right then and there.
#
I took my first dose on a Saturday and the symptoms began to present within hours. It started as I was flipping through the channels, searching for something to watch that required a ball, bikinis, or, ideally, both. I came across a show called Women Who Overcome, which sounded like a dirty movie I had seen once so I put the remote in standby mode – still in hand, but resting on the armrest of my lazy boy. Turns out, though, this version of Women Who Overcome wasn’t the least bit obscene. Quite the opposite in fact. It was a show about women who had accomplished great things despite all the obstacles standing in their way. I wouldn’t normally watch a show like this – unless, of course, the overcomer was, like, superhot – but something about the woman being profiled appealed to me. She was a young African-American woman from the south side of Chicago named Fonya who had raised her twin brothers after their mother had died. She worked three jobs to put the boys through college, and after they graduated and got jobs, they did the same for her. The show ended with a fade-to-black shot of the three siblings in a tearful embrace.
I sniffed, dabbed at the corners of my eyes with a tissue, picked up the phone and called my sister. “Michelle, it’s Ed. Remember that time when you…”
I know it probably sounded like a Bud Light commercial to her, but I actually meant it.
#
Things got even stranger the next day.
Alice spent the afternoon shopping and when she got home, I brought the groceries inside the house for her.
“I’ll get these,” I said. “You just go rest for a couple minutes. I know how exhausting shopping can be. Especially on a Sunday. Madhouse.”
She gave me a queer look and a peck on the cheek, but then went into the living room and sat down.
A little while later, as I put the last bag on the kitchen counter, I heard her call from the living room, “Ed, honey, did you…did you vacuum the living room?”
“Don’t be silly,” I replied. “I vacuumed the whole house.”
She came into the kitchen. “You did what? You vacuumed the whole house?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because it needed it.”
“Well, yes, but, it’s just that…well, you’ve never done that before.”
“Not a big deal, Alice. I also mopped the kitchen floor and dusted.”
“You du-”
“I know. Weird, right? I just, I don’t know. I just got to thinking how much work you do around here and I decided I could do more to help out. No big deal.”
Now, Alice has never really been one to initiate the romance, but something overcame her in that moment. She moved into me, pressed her body tightly against mine, and gave me a warm wet kiss. Then she grabbed my hand and said, “Come here, Mr. Clean. I’ve got something in the bedroom that I want to show you.”
I was completely caught off guard by her aggression. I mean, it was the middle of the day, the kids could be home any minute, and after all that cleaning I wasn’t feeling particularly attractive. Besides, the bedroom was in disarray and I wouldn’t be able to relax and enjoy myself.
She sensed my hesitation.
“Ed? What’s wrong? Aren’t you coming?”
“Honey, I’m just so tired.”
“Are you serious?”
“Oh, don’t take it the wrong way, Alice. All that cleaning has me feeling exhausted and, I don’t know, not so fresh.”
“Not so fre-,” she trailed off.
“Yeah, I really need a shower,” I said. And then, after seeing the dejected look on her face I added, “Well, maybe I could just lay there with you. Would that be okay – if we just laid there together?”
“You mean you want to…cuddle?”
“Sure, Honey. Let’s cuddle.”
#
After two weeks on HERectivaction, I finally caught on. It had been two weeks of talking about my feelings, asking for directions, and giving Alice the remote. Hell, I even found myself thinking about voting Democrat in the upcoming election. But then one morning I found myself in the fetal position on the bedroom floor crying because my mother-in-law’s cat had died and I realized that something was horribly wrong with me. I decided to do a little research on HERectivaction.
Turns out that the woman who had created HERectivaction was a former Army Ranger. A woman who at the age of 32 enrolled at Northwestern University after divorcing her third husband who -- like the first two -- had cheated on her. She majored in Chemistry and eventually went on to graduate school where she pursued her dream of finding a female-friendly treatment for erectile dysfunction – or at least her definition of erectile dysfunction. Her sincere passion to find a cure for ED eventually resulted in HERectivaction.
I stopped taking HERectivaction immediately and switched to one of the ED treatments I had seen advertised during Monday Night Football. I put a rush on the order and by the following Monday’s game I was back to my old self -- manly, horny, and at odds with my wife. With TV remote in hand and my buddy Woodrow back in town, I was confident I had made the right decision.
“Hey, Alice,” I yelled into the kitchen. “Beer me!”
