Skeeter threw another log on the fire before settling down in his favorite unicornskin chair. He peered out in the inky darkness. Where was that guy? There was an unusual smell in the air, and light and noise had been coming from the sky off and on to the point Skeeter took it as commonplace. It wasn’t long before he saw an aura of light coming over a nearby hill. He pulled his spear close by just in case it wasn’t who he was expecting, but before long, he could see it was his pal back from the wine run with a ratty-looking sack slung over his shoulder.
“Bandit! What took you so long?” Skeeter yelled out at the oncoming figure.
Entering the light of the campfire, the dark figure became clear. Bandit walked up
to Skeeter’s fire and put his torch out in the dirt.
“That old guy was running the store again. The one with the funny name.”
“Geez, the one who looks like he’s been rotting in a tomb? Meth something?”
Bandit sat down by the fire and handed Skeeter a bottle of Caine’s Farm wine.
Opening his own bottle, Bandit took a swig and said, “That’s the one. You know how he is. He’ll talk your ear off if you let him. ‘Back in my day…’ Blah, blah, blah.”
“So you actually stopped and talked with him?”
“Dude, no! Of course not!”
“Then what took you so long?” Skeeter took a drink of his wine and began looking in the bag Bandit had brought with him.
“Well, I couldn’t just grab the stuff and run off with him standing right there, could I?”
“It’s a wine run. That’s exactly what you do.” He pulled some sheep jerky out of the bag and threw some to Bandit.
Bandit caught the morsel saying, “Well, usually the store clerk is behind the counter, so he’s less likely to come after me.”
“Oh, so you can’t outrun a nine-hundred-year-old man?” Skeeter laughed at the absurd thought.
Just then, Skeeter’s pet dragon walked into the light. It looked at the two men before running up to Skeeter and trying to lick his face. Grabbing the tiny dragon’s head affectionately, he said, “Hey, Peanut! What are you doing awake?” He rubbed the dragon’s head behind its ears.
“I don’t know how you can have one of those things for a pet. They start small, but they get way too big. And their breath? They call it dragon’s breath for a reason. Ugh, I wouldn’t let it get near my face.”
Peanut turned his head toward Bandit and started growling. Laughing, Skeeter
said, “Watch out. They’re intelligent. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he understands you.”
Peanut plopped down beside his master. Skeeter tore off a piece of jerky and fed it to his pet.
“Those things aren’t smart. They’re probably the dumbest creatures on the planet.”
Peanut huffed a smoke ring before biting down on his treat. “He doesn’t like you,” Skeeter warned. “I’d say that proves he’s pretty wise.”
“Har har har,” Bandit said sarcastically. He took another swig of the cheap wine.
How had it already got half-empty?
The two men drank their ill-gotten goodies for a few minutes. Snuggling up to Skeeter’s leg, the miniature dragon munched on the various bits of meat handed down to him. Thunder rumbled across the sky, but neither man looked up.
Skeeter broke the silence. “Isn’t that crazy neighbor of yours related to the Meth guy at the convenience store?”
“Yeah. His grandson or great-grandson or something like that.”
“Man, that guy’s old, too. That family must have a good god they worship to live that long.”
Bandit shrugged.
“I don’t know about that. Have you seen what the younger guy is building in his yard? Some giant wooden thing. Told Steve down the road that his god told him to build it. Like gods actually speak to us. More likely he’s hearing things.”
“Yeah, I would’ve found me a new one if mine spoke to me. Lady in town sells all sorts of different gods. Surely one of them wouldn’t say, ‘Build a big thingamajig so everyone knows I am the god of the lunatics.’ You know what that thing is anyway?”
“Who knows? I doubt he even knows. Whenever I happen to pass by him, he’s always muttering about cubits. You know what I heard?”
Skeeter laughed. “Big ole ears like you’ve got, could be anything.”
Bandit threw a piece of sheep jerky at Skeeter, but Peanut snatched it out of the
air, smiling smugly at the assailant.
“Shut up old man. You know how that one lady has all those cats?”
“Yeah. So?”
“Well, the dude has all sorts of different animals.”
“What? Like a menagerie?” Skeeter looked confused.
“Yeah, only bigger. The pet store guy says the dude was in there buying a couple of parakeets the other day.”
“And?”
Bandit leaned forward confidentially.
“Before that, it was iguanas. And before that, rabbits. He’s been buying pets there for a while now. The pet store guy says the old
loony has bought seventy-seven different kinds of birds so far.”
“Man, dude’s crazy. I saw him lifting rocks the other day.”
“So?” Bandit countered. “We all have to lift rocks now and then.”
“Yeah, but he was just lifting them and putting them down over and over again without moving them anywhere. Says he’s ‘working out’. Probably another god-given command.”
“Dude, if I ever start acting weird and saying my little wooden idol told me to be that way, hit me please.”
Skeeter reached over and punched his buddy in the arm. “Ow!” Bandit yelled.
“What was that for?”
“You act weird all the time.”
“Yeah, but I never say my god told me to do it.”
“Oh, my mistake.”
Massaging his arm, Bandit said, “I think that guy likes those animals a little too much, if you know what I mean.” A streak of lightning flashed across the sky, briefly lighting up the camp area, but neither man acknowledged it.
“Yeah. That’s why I won’t let him buy any of my unicorns.”
“Has he tried to buy any of them?"
“Not yet, but after what you’ve told me, I’m not sure I’d sell him one. Sounds like he’s got enough animals.”
“Are you still the only unicorn dealer?”
Skeeter rubbed Peanut on the head.
“As far as I know, I am still the only dealer of unicorns in the world. There was a guy who came through here the other day saying he wanted to buy a few, but I wouldn’t sell to him. Guy looked oily. Slick looking dude like that, I bet he was wanting to breed ‘em and start his own dealership. So, I sent him on his way.”
“I thought unicorns only hung out with virgins,” said Bandit.
Skeeter was still thinking about the smarmy looking guy and said absent mindedly, “Yeah, that’s right.”
Bandit pulled out the punch line. “So, why are you the only unicorn dealer…in the world?”
Too late, he realized he had walked into Bandit’s verbal trap. “Shut up. I’ve had plenty of lovers.”
“Sheep don’t count!” Bandit laughed before receiving a piece of thrown jerky in his face. This only made him laugh harder.
Skeeter stood up to stretch. Peanut looked at his master and scooted closer until
he was touching Skeeter’s leg again. Thunder rumbled again, and this time, both men
looked up. It was time to move on. Bandit finished his last swallow of wine and also stood.
“Lots of crazies out there. You just can’t trust anyone anymore,” said the thief.
“True. Pet shop guy, the oily guy, the creepy old guy and his grandson. What’s the grandson’s name anyway? The one with the big wooden thing.”
Bandit grabbed his torch and relit it in the fire.
“Noah, I think.”
“That’s right. Noah. What a moron. Well, thanks for the wine.”
“No problemo good buddy,” said Bandit. “Let’s do it again soon. Catch ya later!” He marched off in the gloom.
“C’mon Peanut. Let’s get back to bed.” The man and his dragon went into a nearby shelter leaving the fire burning. It didn’t burn too much longer though as it started to rain for the first time in history.
“Bandit! What took you so long?” Skeeter yelled out at the oncoming figure.
Entering the light of the campfire, the dark figure became clear. Bandit walked up
to Skeeter’s fire and put his torch out in the dirt.
“That old guy was running the store again. The one with the funny name.”
“Geez, the one who looks like he’s been rotting in a tomb? Meth something?”
Bandit sat down by the fire and handed Skeeter a bottle of Caine’s Farm wine.
Opening his own bottle, Bandit took a swig and said, “That’s the one. You know how he is. He’ll talk your ear off if you let him. ‘Back in my day…’ Blah, blah, blah.”
“So you actually stopped and talked with him?”
“Dude, no! Of course not!”
“Then what took you so long?” Skeeter took a drink of his wine and began looking in the bag Bandit had brought with him.
“Well, I couldn’t just grab the stuff and run off with him standing right there, could I?”
“It’s a wine run. That’s exactly what you do.” He pulled some sheep jerky out of the bag and threw some to Bandit.
Bandit caught the morsel saying, “Well, usually the store clerk is behind the counter, so he’s less likely to come after me.”
“Oh, so you can’t outrun a nine-hundred-year-old man?” Skeeter laughed at the absurd thought.
Just then, Skeeter’s pet dragon walked into the light. It looked at the two men before running up to Skeeter and trying to lick his face. Grabbing the tiny dragon’s head affectionately, he said, “Hey, Peanut! What are you doing awake?” He rubbed the dragon’s head behind its ears.
“I don’t know how you can have one of those things for a pet. They start small, but they get way too big. And their breath? They call it dragon’s breath for a reason. Ugh, I wouldn’t let it get near my face.”
Peanut turned his head toward Bandit and started growling. Laughing, Skeeter
said, “Watch out. They’re intelligent. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he understands you.”
Peanut plopped down beside his master. Skeeter tore off a piece of jerky and fed it to his pet.
“Those things aren’t smart. They’re probably the dumbest creatures on the planet.”
Peanut huffed a smoke ring before biting down on his treat. “He doesn’t like you,” Skeeter warned. “I’d say that proves he’s pretty wise.”
“Har har har,” Bandit said sarcastically. He took another swig of the cheap wine.
How had it already got half-empty?
The two men drank their ill-gotten goodies for a few minutes. Snuggling up to Skeeter’s leg, the miniature dragon munched on the various bits of meat handed down to him. Thunder rumbled across the sky, but neither man looked up.
Skeeter broke the silence. “Isn’t that crazy neighbor of yours related to the Meth guy at the convenience store?”
“Yeah. His grandson or great-grandson or something like that.”
“Man, that guy’s old, too. That family must have a good god they worship to live that long.”
Bandit shrugged.
“I don’t know about that. Have you seen what the younger guy is building in his yard? Some giant wooden thing. Told Steve down the road that his god told him to build it. Like gods actually speak to us. More likely he’s hearing things.”
“Yeah, I would’ve found me a new one if mine spoke to me. Lady in town sells all sorts of different gods. Surely one of them wouldn’t say, ‘Build a big thingamajig so everyone knows I am the god of the lunatics.’ You know what that thing is anyway?”
“Who knows? I doubt he even knows. Whenever I happen to pass by him, he’s always muttering about cubits. You know what I heard?”
Skeeter laughed. “Big ole ears like you’ve got, could be anything.”
Bandit threw a piece of sheep jerky at Skeeter, but Peanut snatched it out of the
air, smiling smugly at the assailant.
“Shut up old man. You know how that one lady has all those cats?”
“Yeah. So?”
“Well, the dude has all sorts of different animals.”
“What? Like a menagerie?” Skeeter looked confused.
“Yeah, only bigger. The pet store guy says the dude was in there buying a couple of parakeets the other day.”
“And?”
Bandit leaned forward confidentially.
“Before that, it was iguanas. And before that, rabbits. He’s been buying pets there for a while now. The pet store guy says the old
loony has bought seventy-seven different kinds of birds so far.”
“Man, dude’s crazy. I saw him lifting rocks the other day.”
“So?” Bandit countered. “We all have to lift rocks now and then.”
“Yeah, but he was just lifting them and putting them down over and over again without moving them anywhere. Says he’s ‘working out’. Probably another god-given command.”
“Dude, if I ever start acting weird and saying my little wooden idol told me to be that way, hit me please.”
Skeeter reached over and punched his buddy in the arm. “Ow!” Bandit yelled.
“What was that for?”
“You act weird all the time.”
“Yeah, but I never say my god told me to do it.”
“Oh, my mistake.”
Massaging his arm, Bandit said, “I think that guy likes those animals a little too much, if you know what I mean.” A streak of lightning flashed across the sky, briefly lighting up the camp area, but neither man acknowledged it.
“Yeah. That’s why I won’t let him buy any of my unicorns.”
“Has he tried to buy any of them?"
“Not yet, but after what you’ve told me, I’m not sure I’d sell him one. Sounds like he’s got enough animals.”
“Are you still the only unicorn dealer?”
Skeeter rubbed Peanut on the head.
“As far as I know, I am still the only dealer of unicorns in the world. There was a guy who came through here the other day saying he wanted to buy a few, but I wouldn’t sell to him. Guy looked oily. Slick looking dude like that, I bet he was wanting to breed ‘em and start his own dealership. So, I sent him on his way.”
“I thought unicorns only hung out with virgins,” said Bandit.
Skeeter was still thinking about the smarmy looking guy and said absent mindedly, “Yeah, that’s right.”
Bandit pulled out the punch line. “So, why are you the only unicorn dealer…in the world?”
Too late, he realized he had walked into Bandit’s verbal trap. “Shut up. I’ve had plenty of lovers.”
“Sheep don’t count!” Bandit laughed before receiving a piece of thrown jerky in his face. This only made him laugh harder.
Skeeter stood up to stretch. Peanut looked at his master and scooted closer until
he was touching Skeeter’s leg again. Thunder rumbled again, and this time, both men
looked up. It was time to move on. Bandit finished his last swallow of wine and also stood.
“Lots of crazies out there. You just can’t trust anyone anymore,” said the thief.
“True. Pet shop guy, the oily guy, the creepy old guy and his grandson. What’s the grandson’s name anyway? The one with the big wooden thing.”
Bandit grabbed his torch and relit it in the fire.
“Noah, I think.”
“That’s right. Noah. What a moron. Well, thanks for the wine.”
“No problemo good buddy,” said Bandit. “Let’s do it again soon. Catch ya later!” He marched off in the gloom.
“C’mon Peanut. Let’s get back to bed.” The man and his dragon went into a nearby shelter leaving the fire burning. It didn’t burn too much longer though as it started to rain for the first time in history.
