“You have reached the hotline of GettingBooksReviewed.Com, where for $99 the next Lenny Tolstoy can pitchfork through the dung-heap of self-published trash to reveal his own literary gem to the world of credit-card-wielding readers. If you are an author looking to purchase a review of your masterpiece, please press 1. If you are a prospective reviewer that’s interested in greasing the literary skids, please press 3. If you are an author or a reviewer with a question not answerable on our webpage, please press 5. Otherwise, press 7. Thank you.”
FIVE
“Toby, this is Cynthia. I finished my fifty-word review of that “Wickedness” book you assigned me. It should be in your mailbox by the time you get this message. You know, some of the information you sent me didn’t match up with the blurbs I found online, like, you know, the publication dates and shit like that. It sounds like a nice piece of fantasy fiction, what with the ancient Egyptian magical ring passing between the two tweens, Margrat and Claire, across 350 years, and the hot-but-evil Egyptologist in pursuit of the ring, who hits on each girl in both time periods. But your citation was for the reissue of a Routledge Philosophy Classic book originally published in 1984. Thought you would want to double-check.”
SEVEN
“Mr. Battlemore, my name is Amanda Midgley. I am the granddaughter of Dr. Mary Midgley, the professor of moral philosopher at the University of Newcastle. Grandma told me to ignore the totally dodgy review you put up on the AmazonUK website about her Wickedness book. You really dropped the clanger this time. There’s jack all wrong with it. Grandma’s book isn’t a novel; the title’s Wickedness: A Philosophical Essay. So what’s up with the two pubescent girls and the ropey Egyptologist and the ancient curse? You fiddled this review. I’m reporting you to Amazon.”
SEVEN
“Mr. Battlemore, this is Ashton Krankhauss of AmazonUK. We have received and verified a complaint regarding the review you posted on the philosophical treatise by Mary Midgley, titled Wickedness: A Philosophical Essay. We have also been made aware of your commercial review writing service, GettingBooksReviewed.Com. Reviews submitted using your service are a violation of Amazon policy against paid reviews. Moreover, the review in question is patently fraudulent. Henceforth your right to submit reviews of books or any other products sold by AmazonUK or AmazonUS has been revoked. Failure to comply with this order will result in the closure of your Amazon account. You may appeal this action by writing to our Newberry Headquarters, in care of the Litigation Department. Thank you.”
SEVEN
“Mr. Battlemore, I received your registered letter of apology regarding the ‘mix-up” surrounding the online review of my treatise on Wickedness. It is very generous of you to offer me ten free reviews of my next book, a $499 value, in exchange for a letter to Amazon exonerating your web service of culpability. However, as a moral philosopher I find your service to be morally questionable, since the reviewers you hire are paid fifteen American dollars to write a favorable review, but only half that if their conscience does not permit them to write a favorable review. One can only hope you may one day read my book on wickedness and subsequently modify your behavior to a higher moral standard.”
FIVE
“Battlemore, what the fuck is going on? All of the five star reviews for Space Sluts from the Seventh Moon of Servern are gone. All’s left is a four-star review from an obvious wanker, and two one-stars from a couple of narky feminist dikes, who should probably be dating each other. I want my $999 back, or I’m posting this whole mess on YELP.”
THE NUMBER YOU HAVE REACHED IS NO LONGER IN SERVICE.
FIVE
“Toby, this is Cynthia. I finished my fifty-word review of that “Wickedness” book you assigned me. It should be in your mailbox by the time you get this message. You know, some of the information you sent me didn’t match up with the blurbs I found online, like, you know, the publication dates and shit like that. It sounds like a nice piece of fantasy fiction, what with the ancient Egyptian magical ring passing between the two tweens, Margrat and Claire, across 350 years, and the hot-but-evil Egyptologist in pursuit of the ring, who hits on each girl in both time periods. But your citation was for the reissue of a Routledge Philosophy Classic book originally published in 1984. Thought you would want to double-check.”
SEVEN
“Mr. Battlemore, my name is Amanda Midgley. I am the granddaughter of Dr. Mary Midgley, the professor of moral philosopher at the University of Newcastle. Grandma told me to ignore the totally dodgy review you put up on the AmazonUK website about her Wickedness book. You really dropped the clanger this time. There’s jack all wrong with it. Grandma’s book isn’t a novel; the title’s Wickedness: A Philosophical Essay. So what’s up with the two pubescent girls and the ropey Egyptologist and the ancient curse? You fiddled this review. I’m reporting you to Amazon.”
SEVEN
“Mr. Battlemore, this is Ashton Krankhauss of AmazonUK. We have received and verified a complaint regarding the review you posted on the philosophical treatise by Mary Midgley, titled Wickedness: A Philosophical Essay. We have also been made aware of your commercial review writing service, GettingBooksReviewed.Com. Reviews submitted using your service are a violation of Amazon policy against paid reviews. Moreover, the review in question is patently fraudulent. Henceforth your right to submit reviews of books or any other products sold by AmazonUK or AmazonUS has been revoked. Failure to comply with this order will result in the closure of your Amazon account. You may appeal this action by writing to our Newberry Headquarters, in care of the Litigation Department. Thank you.”
SEVEN
“Mr. Battlemore, I received your registered letter of apology regarding the ‘mix-up” surrounding the online review of my treatise on Wickedness. It is very generous of you to offer me ten free reviews of my next book, a $499 value, in exchange for a letter to Amazon exonerating your web service of culpability. However, as a moral philosopher I find your service to be morally questionable, since the reviewers you hire are paid fifteen American dollars to write a favorable review, but only half that if their conscience does not permit them to write a favorable review. One can only hope you may one day read my book on wickedness and subsequently modify your behavior to a higher moral standard.”
FIVE
“Battlemore, what the fuck is going on? All of the five star reviews for Space Sluts from the Seventh Moon of Servern are gone. All’s left is a four-star review from an obvious wanker, and two one-stars from a couple of narky feminist dikes, who should probably be dating each other. I want my $999 back, or I’m posting this whole mess on YELP.”
THE NUMBER YOU HAVE REACHED IS NO LONGER IN SERVICE.
