Calculator
by Joseph Fleck


Steven Vile was born on May 23rd of the year 2074. Seventeen years later, he would become solely responsible for the deaths of every person on the planet, causing the extinction of the human race. Fortunately, nobody was complaining or resisting as he murdered every living man, woman, and child one by one. Everybody was completely fine with it.

“I just got the new set of numbers,” Vice President Bentham announced as he walked into the conference room. “We’re dropping the bomb.”

The foreign diplomat shook his head. “You can’t do this.”

 “Of course we can!” Bentham said, taking a seat. “We have no choice! Our Calculator doesn’t lie!”

The diplomat argued, “Dropping that bomb would mean killing hundreds of thousands of people!”

President Mill, at the head of the table, rubbed his chin. “Killing them will only make the world a better place. You understand that, don’t you?”

Clenching his fists, the diplomat shouted, “Killing is wrong!”

“No, no, it’s perfectly okay,” Bentham sighed. “You don’t understand. Calculator looks at every variable, every possible future, and it finds the decision that will lead to maximum happiness. If Calculator thinks that destroying your country will make the rest of the world happier, then it must be done.”

“What if this Calculator is wrong?” the diplomat glared. “What if it made a mistake?”

 “It hasn’t made a mistake yet,” President Mill shrugged. “The world seems to be a fairly happy place. Honestly, every other country except for yours has started using a utilitarian code of ethics. That’s probably why Calculator saw it fitting to eliminate your people.”

The diplomat rubbed his eyes with his hands. “Explain how this is supposed to work.”

Vice President Bentham told him, “There are two possible choices for us right now. Well, technically there are nearly infinite choices, but for simplicity’s sake, I’ll say two. We either nuke your country or we don’t, right?”

“Right…” the diplomat nodded slowly.

Bentham continued, “Calculator determined that if we leave your country safe and sound, happiness levels around the world will be… moderate. If we bomb you, killing every single one of your people, Calculator says that happiness levels will be a fair amount higher.”

“But why?” the diplomat pressed.

“We can’t be sure,” Bentham answered. “The numbers and algorithms are very complex. It would take ages to explain it all to you, and I scarcely understand it myself. It’s likely that your people are simply not as happy as the rest of the world. And thus, killing them will increase the average global happiness.”

The diplomat stammered, “But… but killing is wrong!”

“It’s utilitarian,” President Mill smiled. “They say you can’t make everybody happy, but we can still calculate the decisions that will make the most people happy. Anybody who isn’t satisfied, we can just kill.”

“Speaking of which,” Bentham spoke up, “we should discuss the situation with this Steven Vile person.”

“Yes, yes, we’ll talk about it later,” Mill disregarded him. 


“This is ludicrous!” the diplomat shouted. “You can’t kill my people just because they aren’t as happy as yours!”

President Mill chuckled, “If they aren’t as happy, then we’re simply putting them out of their misery, aren’t we?”

“They aren’t miserable!” the diplomat refuted. “Maybe they aren’t ecstatic like the lunatics who live here—”

“Our decision is final,” Vice President Bentham told him sternly. “Your country will be destroyed, and that is that. You may be excused.”

The diplomat leapt to his feet. “I will not stand for this!”

“You may be excused,” Bentham said more loudly.

The diplomat marched out of the room.

President Mill sighed, “Goodness, some people are so difficult about utilitarianism. It drives me wild!”

“Yes, now can we discuss Steven Vile?” Bentham asked.

“Yes, let’s get this over with. Who is he?”

Bentham sorted through his papers. “Steven Vile is a seventeen-year-old boy from the South Sector. He’s really into murder and violence.”

Mill nodded, “Ah, another one. I supposed Calculator suggested that he be killed?”

“I had assumed that would happen,” Bentham sighed. “Most serial killers decrease the average happiness, because being killed is painful and saddening, but this seems to be a special case.”

“Special how?”

“Most serial killers enjoy killing, but this boy… He is very passionate about it! Every person that dies at his hands makes him downright elated! In fact, the joy that he gets from murder is more significant than the pain and suffering of his victims.”

President Mill leaned forward. “You’re telling me that Calculator… supports his actions?”

“Don’t you see?” Bentham grinned. “Murder makes him unfathomably happy, and if he kills everybody, and I mean everybody, then his happiness will be the only happiness that counts. Average global happiness will be equal to his happiness if he’s the only living person on the planet! And after killing everyone, it’ll be pure bliss!”

Mill scratched his head. “When he kills somebody, his happiness is stronger than the pain of the victim, so each kill increases average global happiness.”

“Right,” Bentham nodded.

“And if he kills everybody, average global happiness will be the highest it’s ever been in history.”

“Right.”

President Mill clapped his hands together. “This is spectacular! If we let this Steven Vile kill everybody, happiness ratings will be through the roof! I’ll go down in history as the greatest leader in history!”

“Well, not quite, because nobody will be alive to remember you,” Bentham pointed out.

“Right, right, but the average global happiness is more important,” Mill reminded him. “This is the best news that I’ve ever heard! We have to contact this boy right away! We need to start rounding up the citizens, preparing them for their new job!”

Bentham and Mill stood from their seats. “This is the happiest that humanity will ever be!” Bentham chuckled.

One month later, after all of the horrific slaughters and terrifying attacks, Steven Vile was the last living person. And he was very, very happy.

Shortly after, humanity was extinct.