I found Bigfoot, or rather, he found me. I woke up in a daze after suffering a bad fall, and he was standing over me waving a hand in front of my face. It was covered in thick but short reddish hair except for the palm which was white. I’d been hiking one of my favorite trails near the east fork of the Quinault River in Olympic National Park. It winds through the area called the “Enchanted Valley.” In the spring when the mountain’s snow melts, a thousand little waterfalls pour down from every cliff face, but in the summer all the cascades dry up and are replaced by a brilliant green. The rocky gravel under my boots shifted and rolled. I remembered and tumbling once or twice, but not much else. I got a concussion in college and had done plenty of drugs as well, so I knew enough to know I wasn’t hallucinating.
He held out his hand to help me up. From the ground, he looked like a grizzly reared up on its hind legs, but once I got on my feet, he wasn’t as intimidating. He was about seven feet tall and weighed three hundred pounds. He stood there smiling at me with his torso and head in the sunlight and his legs in the shadows.
“Thanks,” I said because I didn’t know what else to do.
“No problem,” he said. I knew it was a “he” because his phallus dangled in the wind and made a pornstar’s junk seem like mine. “I’m Nuk.” He stuck out his hand. I shook it and watched my hand become goggled up by his. His breath was hot and smelled like a wet dog.
“Drew,” I said. I looked around the woods for a hidden camera or something, but we were about as far away from civilization as you could get. We stared at each other. Nuk was tall and lanky. His arms nearly rested on the ground even when he was standing. He lifted up the right one and itched his armpit.
“You can talk?” I asked. He nodded. “You’re a Bigfoot. Did you know you’re famous?”
“We prefer Sasquatch, but it doesn’t really matter. Are you okay? I thought you were dead there for a second.”
“I’m fine. Thanks for the help.” I looked around again, but the only noise was coming from a pair of chipmunks wrestling each other in a pile of leaves. “I’m a little woozy from the fall, but mainly just overwhelmed. I’d be a millionaire if I brought you back to civilization with me.”
Nuk nodded. “I helped you, and now you help me by not taking me to some lab to be studied. Okay?”
“Fair is fair, I guess. But what are you doing out here? How did you get here?”
“I’m German. Can’t you tell?” Nuk said. If he was joking, his humor was lost on me. “My forefathers lived in the Black Forest. My great-great grandfather came to America around 1880. He had been captured by a man working for P.T. Barnum and was set up to be part of his traveling circus of freaks. When he arrived in New York, he found a razor, shaved himself clean and passed himself off as a worker who had accidentally locked himself in a cage. We Sasquatch can pass for human if we shave every day and hunch over when we walk.” Nuk hunched down a bit and took a few practiced steps to demonstrate for me. It didn’t look very convincing.
“Have you ever heard of Robert Wadlow?” he asked. I shook my head. “He’s the tallest man ever recorded. Eight feet eleven inches tall and, unbeknownst to most, full-blooded Sasquatch.” Nuk looked around and sniffed at the air with his hairy nose. “This trail is popular this time of year. I have to get going. It was nice to meet you, Drew.” He waved and turned to stomp through the brush.
I did the only thing I could do. I picked up the closest large rock. It was rough and dusty in the palm of my hand. I walked behind Nuk and smashed in the back of his skull. Killing him was easy. It was dragging his corpse the three miles to my car that was hard.
In hindsight, I should have paid better attention to his story. He said that Sasquatch can pass for humans, so it only made sense that humans could pass for Sasquatch.
When I got back to town, the first person I went to see was the sheriff. He arrested me on the spot for poaching. Everyone in the whole world it seemed was pissed at me for killing the first and only Bigfoot ever discovered. They kept me in jail for fear of my own personal safety while I awaited trial. Then the bad news came in.
Turns out, there is a rare genetic disease that causes humans to grow thick hair over their entire body. And it also turns out that being seven feet tall and three hundred pounds isn’t the rarest thing to happen to a guy. The NBA is full of these people. The problem was Nuk was a combination of both of these, and I killed him.
My lawyer was able to talk the D.A. down to a manslaughter plea, and after a year in prison, I was let out on parole. Nobody in town would talk to me. In their eyes, I was worse than a murderer. I killed what could have been the town’s claim to fame. Now the only thing they were known for was raising me, a murderer.
The only way I could redeem myself was to find the real Bigfoot. He is out there somewhere, and I still have my rock.
He held out his hand to help me up. From the ground, he looked like a grizzly reared up on its hind legs, but once I got on my feet, he wasn’t as intimidating. He was about seven feet tall and weighed three hundred pounds. He stood there smiling at me with his torso and head in the sunlight and his legs in the shadows.
“Thanks,” I said because I didn’t know what else to do.
“No problem,” he said. I knew it was a “he” because his phallus dangled in the wind and made a pornstar’s junk seem like mine. “I’m Nuk.” He stuck out his hand. I shook it and watched my hand become goggled up by his. His breath was hot and smelled like a wet dog.
“Drew,” I said. I looked around the woods for a hidden camera or something, but we were about as far away from civilization as you could get. We stared at each other. Nuk was tall and lanky. His arms nearly rested on the ground even when he was standing. He lifted up the right one and itched his armpit.
“You can talk?” I asked. He nodded. “You’re a Bigfoot. Did you know you’re famous?”
“We prefer Sasquatch, but it doesn’t really matter. Are you okay? I thought you were dead there for a second.”
“I’m fine. Thanks for the help.” I looked around again, but the only noise was coming from a pair of chipmunks wrestling each other in a pile of leaves. “I’m a little woozy from the fall, but mainly just overwhelmed. I’d be a millionaire if I brought you back to civilization with me.”
Nuk nodded. “I helped you, and now you help me by not taking me to some lab to be studied. Okay?”
“Fair is fair, I guess. But what are you doing out here? How did you get here?”
“I’m German. Can’t you tell?” Nuk said. If he was joking, his humor was lost on me. “My forefathers lived in the Black Forest. My great-great grandfather came to America around 1880. He had been captured by a man working for P.T. Barnum and was set up to be part of his traveling circus of freaks. When he arrived in New York, he found a razor, shaved himself clean and passed himself off as a worker who had accidentally locked himself in a cage. We Sasquatch can pass for human if we shave every day and hunch over when we walk.” Nuk hunched down a bit and took a few practiced steps to demonstrate for me. It didn’t look very convincing.
“Have you ever heard of Robert Wadlow?” he asked. I shook my head. “He’s the tallest man ever recorded. Eight feet eleven inches tall and, unbeknownst to most, full-blooded Sasquatch.” Nuk looked around and sniffed at the air with his hairy nose. “This trail is popular this time of year. I have to get going. It was nice to meet you, Drew.” He waved and turned to stomp through the brush.
I did the only thing I could do. I picked up the closest large rock. It was rough and dusty in the palm of my hand. I walked behind Nuk and smashed in the back of his skull. Killing him was easy. It was dragging his corpse the three miles to my car that was hard.
In hindsight, I should have paid better attention to his story. He said that Sasquatch can pass for humans, so it only made sense that humans could pass for Sasquatch.
When I got back to town, the first person I went to see was the sheriff. He arrested me on the spot for poaching. Everyone in the whole world it seemed was pissed at me for killing the first and only Bigfoot ever discovered. They kept me in jail for fear of my own personal safety while I awaited trial. Then the bad news came in.
Turns out, there is a rare genetic disease that causes humans to grow thick hair over their entire body. And it also turns out that being seven feet tall and three hundred pounds isn’t the rarest thing to happen to a guy. The NBA is full of these people. The problem was Nuk was a combination of both of these, and I killed him.
My lawyer was able to talk the D.A. down to a manslaughter plea, and after a year in prison, I was let out on parole. Nobody in town would talk to me. In their eyes, I was worse than a murderer. I killed what could have been the town’s claim to fame. Now the only thing they were known for was raising me, a murderer.
The only way I could redeem myself was to find the real Bigfoot. He is out there somewhere, and I still have my rock.
