5

by David Klugman

Eight year old Lenore creeps over to Daddy at the party, grabs his hand in search of something solid; she is shy and somewhat scared. Says Daddy, “Boy you’re really clingy today – cling cling cling. Come on, get with it Len, go play, get out of here.” The interaction is characterized by contempt, and I watch young Lenore slink away in shame (the target of contempt is always shamed).

Later, Daddy, who is Jimmy to me, and not much more than that (an acquaintance, maybe friend as in the way some social norms define it), comes up to me with a buzz on, talks a little nothing and I say, I take the risk (I mean what else am I going to do with my time?), I say, “Listen, Jimmy, not for nothing, but if you are open to it I would like to say something to you.” “Sure, Sure,” he booms, “whatever, David, good old David, you’re inside.” And so I say, “The way you fobbed your daughter off when she was ‘clinging’ as you described it, can create a real wound if you’re not careful.” He asks me what I mean and I say, “Well, her need made you uncomfortable, right – I mean that much was clear. And I am not nor do I wish to be your analyst, but nevertheless that’s probably because your own needs make you nervous, and when you see those needs in her it’s like your cover’s blown.”

So far so good, he’s with me, but I feel it coming, and I should know better by now that when I suggest how maybe searching for a way to normalize and validate her need might bring a little healing to them both - “You schooling me on how to raise my kid, Dave?!” Jimmy quips. “No, just an observation, for what it’s worth. And a suggestion.” “No, no, you’re schooling me you sanctimonious bastard, and I ought to crack you for it.” “No, don’t crack me for it, Jimmy – that’d be no good for no one.”

From there we make it better, somehow, redirect the flow of conversation; add a person, add a drink. But still, out of the corner of my eye I notice how Lenore is being really gentle with my daughter, who is younger and who is therefore no threat to her at all; in fact is someone she can help, and find security in helping someone else find their way through it all together. It touches me that this is how we learn; by virtue of being failed in such excoriating ways we persevere until we find a means through which to help another exactly the way in which we have been ourselves failed.